The Mirror

We have a beautiful mirror, I use it to write cleverly crafted menus on for dinner parties and inspirational thoughts for life. It's pretty.

Since we've moved into our temporary home in Bend it's been sitting in the corner a bit forlorn and ignored. It dawned on me a couple weekends back that the quote that was still on it, had been there for too long. The last few months my life, our life, our path has been changed & reordered to a state of complete and utter lost.

I don't expect you to understand the words of my poem, there are times that the musings of my heart are too deep to grasp. I wrote this poem in response to that mirror, understanding when I wrote it that a paradigm shift had taken place in our lives and extreme refocus was about to happen.

The truth is, things have been hard, quite hard. As a result there has been some serious cultivating going on in both Bill & I's soul.

"When I wrote it, we'd come to a place.
A place that came from a time of trial, testing, pain and regret.

We've got to move forward, move on, move away and try;
Try so hard to find a life, finally, find a life that we love.

We had had it, those years; all of them they were ours, him working so hard to provide, to love us, he did it so well. He's so so good. Then they left, God graciously gave them the lives we'd prayed for them for so many years. And if He hadn't, we had the resources to provide, we could take care of them.

So we had thought.

The track, the path, the stones; they seemed set, laid in a place were it was okay, we could move on.

That trial, it was a hard one. Our faith together was rocked so hard, we changed, she changed, she cussed so much more, her grace it grew so less, who was this woman? So long filled with patience, beauty and love, a heart that gives, she grew cold and lost.

She watched him be used, and then grow cold and lost just as she had become. The only hope it seemed was flee, start over, find warmth and try again. Find that life; a life designed, that they would love.

We sought, we prayed, we dreamed, we wished, we found, we dreamed, we leapt, we plunged.

Then it crashed, everything around them, the bursts of the fourth were watched with tears. Where is life going, what have we done, what do we do?

The beginning of the lost, the doubt, the questions, the fear, the trials. They come in, they envelope, they consume and overtake. They go on, too long, too long for the two to bear.

There's this, there is that and then what would we do. Oh my, my my my. What is this, what is that, what are we doing?

This life, the one we are designing and attempting to dream, so wanting to love, just  last year; 'tis the life that we loathed.

Dear God, for your help I do pray."

What the mirror had said, "And One Day They Decided, to Design a Life that They Love."

The poem was my understanding and acceptance of what that would be. The truth is Oregon is staying our home, we have chosen to embrace, plant our life, be thankful for and love the place that the Good Lord has chosen to place us. We pray that in our weakness his strength will be revealed.

The mirror; it's moving to Portland with Laura.

the time has come...

Bill and I have been on such a quest for so long about what to do with our life.

We've found raising a family the most wonderful part of our lives thus far. When you do this for so long and make it your priority, as it gradually ends you can't help but wonder, "was that what our life was about?"

Not that parenting ends, of course it doesn't. We watch our children grow into the most wonderful young adults and become families of their own, our life is so rich in this. Our main desire in life is to spend time with our adult children and theirs'.

As the children have left the nest, we have found ourselves a bit lost with what to do with our time and life. We found living in the middle of nowhere i.e. Sisters to be incredibly filled with solitude, so we sold our beautiful family home and moved to Bend. We always new it was a temporary fix to what would someday be a move from Central Oregon.

Yes it's a beautiful place to live, the simpler paced life is quite wonderful and it's country that is surrounded with the beauty of creation. It's a fantastic place to live if:

you ski
you snowmobile
you hike
you mountain climb
you mountain bike
you fly fish
you love extreme outdoor sports
you desire to drive a subaru
your fashion sense includes snow pants, keen shoes and jeans for dress up
you love craft beer
you enjoy cold weather most of the time

Yes Bend, it's the Good Life, even the Washington Post says so.

As the bumper sticker claims, "Your vacation is our life." Um not me, I would never go anyplace like this on vacation and it's not because I live here, its because these are the last things I'd like to spend my time doing.

And this my friends is where the rub lies. I have tons of free time and I have the most difficult time figuring out what to do with it, honestly I find it incredibly boring here. I do apologize, I know this is a very well loved community and I do understand that. It's simply not a lifestyle we enjoy at all.

we love the theater
we love museums
we love art
we love fine dining
we love riding bikes leisurely
we love being close enough to city life to take it in often
we love basking in the warm sun
we love hot weather

Albiet Bend does provide some of these on a very small scale, not enough to convince us living here is what we want for the rest the time we get to experience the life we've been given.

It's been two years now that we've researched where we'd like to relocate to. I admit we have been very picky knowing the enormity of this decision and it's nothing we have taken lightly at all. It's been interesting to go through the process and have others inform us of the things we need to be considering in this decision. I suppose that's the whole reason I feel the need to compose this blog, me fearing what others will think. bah That said, we've considered a lot and our final decision has been made taking a magnitude of things into consideration. We even seriously thought about buying a second home and living in two places simply to please people that think we are nuts for leaving. We don't have that kind of money and since we are ready to permanently move on from Central Oregon it seems a bit ridiculous.

In the end, we are making this decision for us. Makes sense right? We are the ones doing this and we pretty much know ourselves better than anyone else.

The many places we have considered relocating to are:
Portland
Sacramento
Granite Bay
Marin County
Santa Rosa
Napa
San Francisco
Pleasanton
Modesto
Century City
Santa Monica
Palos Verdes
San Diego
Oceanside
La Quinta
Rancho Mirage
Indian Wells
Scottsdale

Yes we have researched, visited (almost all) and seriously considered each of these places for various reasons. Yep, it's been exhausting and an emotionally challenging two years.

That said, we made our decision in June (when I began composing this post) and plopped a hunk of money down on what we think is a great area for us, a decent home for us, the simple lifestyle we prefer yet close enough to cities that we enjoy and warm almost all of the time; super warm.

Since the week we made the decision our life has been in complete turmoil, filled with one challenge after another, along with tremendous responsibilities BUT topped with a huge helping of sweetness due to the perfect four days we spent enjoying family, friends and Michael & Claire's beautiful wedding.

We have questioned our decision numerous times but knew we had no choice but to move forward, we had bought a house and sold our house (the day we listed it, not what we expected at all.) We choose to work through the challenges and continue forward since turning back seemed quite impossible!

So here we are ending the summer, hoping life calms to a somewhat reasonable pace and yes relocating  late next Spring to Rancho Mirage California. Today we say goodbye to Celilo, the uber cool house with the awesome view and a kitchen only Wil could do justice to. We enjoyed having it for our home the few years that we did.

We say hello to our winter cottage, it's cozy and sweet in a lovely neighborhood that we hope to enjoy these next few months.

Then next year we move on to Via Noela, what began a desolate dusty lot with a fantastic mountain view. 

It's growing and changing day by day and one day will be where we plant our lives for the next chapter. 

Via Noela today.

So there you go, we are coming out in a sense. We intended to do so much earlier but life began heading at the speed of a locomotive and we had not the time, energy or gumption to share our story.

We know we are nuts we also know we are bold. Change is a lot of work yet it's something we enjoy so we are doing this. It may not be forever, maybe we will melt, we shall see. For now, those of you who need to escape winter for a time, we welcome you to visit. We will have a tiny Guest Casita to keep you and your's and our planned backyard pool should be quite a splash. Maybe our kids will even come & visit!

sharing

There are times I wish I could reach through the computer and share insight, a glimpse into the future and a large dose of hope to those dealing with hard things.

My story of old is not super pretty and not one I am proud of at all, although I am thankful. Thankful to be in the future from it and to see so much good out of it.

I am one of 'those' women, I brought an end to my very young marriage so many years ago. I did this in shame and brought a ton of pain to the man who was then my husband and his family. I also entered my two very young children into a life of being shared.

The early days were hard, there was a lot of hate and mis-trust. My new and beloved husband  Bill knew that peace was what was needed and did all he could in his power to keep it. His goal was protecting me from pain and anger and his heart and attitude rubbed off on me. Even when I didn't feel like showing respect, he insured me that showing it would pay off, for all.

Fast forward to years of sharing graduations, weddings and now grandchildren. The life of my ex and I continues as we witness our wonderful family grow. I am so thankful that we learned in the early years that the fight is not what it's about, it's about loving, raising, encouraging, teaching, enpowering, loving, enjoying, believing in, loving... our shared children.

I think I simply want to say, if you are in the fight I am sorry and I understand. I encourage you to find peace and respect for the other parent of the children you share. You have years and years together, they will never fully be out of your life.

In our situation I found that giving up my pride, my selfishness and truly humbling myself worked out not only for my advantage but for the advantage of my children.

Today when we are at a family event with my ex, his wife, his other children; we sincerely love and enjoy them. The hugs, the laughter and friendship is good and true. We never look back at the pain, always at the joy and love we share.

For this I am eternally grateful. I could've never accomplished this without my amazing husband Bill by my side and my most gracious heavenly father who's ways are simply the best.

For my dear friends dealing with the fight, the pain, the anger; I lovingly encourage you: Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord and He will lift you up in due time. It is worth it.

I am so thankful we learned to share so long ago, the reward has been the richest of blessings. Our wee Penny with her Poppa & his crazy camel, Nona, Pappa Bear and Memaw, sweetness to the soul.

Sunshine and Shadow

I am ashamed to say how irritated I get with petty complaining. There seems to be a lot of it lately on my Facebook wall and it is incredibly tempting to lash out and cyberly slap certain people smack across their face in hopes of waking them from their numb, self centered state. My goodness it is days before Thanksgiving. What would it take to move us on from our continual attitude of "it didn't go my way and this Country, government, company, person, individual, human being is a piece of crap because of that"?

I can't help but wonder if pondering on things such as these would help.

From my Facebook wall the last two days:
From Congo: Helicopter gunships, tanks, artillery just north of Goma. Very grave situation. Pray 4 wisdom 4 @WorldRelief staff serving Goma.
URGENT: M23 rebels have advanced to the eastern DR Congo city of Goma. Our staff there reported heavy fighting, and thousands of families are streaming into the city for protection. 

From any news media you choose to read:
At least 95 Palestinians have been killed and more than 740 wounded in five days, Palestinian medical sources tell NBC News, as rockets continue to hit Jewish state.

A video my daughter asked me to watch this week to help understand what her coworkers (Burmese refugees) have lived through: The Road a Journey into Burma's War Torn State

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3iholvIClPM

I love art, Renaissance being my favorite. I, not being an artist am amazed at what the Masters were/are able to do on a flat piece of canvas to bring perspective, depth and beauty.

This is probably my favorite painting, it's extra special that I stumbled upon it one day in Florence in a church, not even realizing beforehand that it was there. I cried, I was touched to my core that I was standing in front of it live, a masterpiece from hundreds of years ago.

The painting is called, Adoration of the Shepherds, painted by Domenico Ghirlandaio 1482-85.

I read this this morning:

"All the masterpieces of painting contain both light and shadow. By them the artist highlights certain features of his subject, and they provide contrast and harmony to reveal beauty or character."

"A happy life is not one filled with only sunshine, but one that uses both light and shadow to produce beauty."

I understand that hard times happen, conflict comes, life and people can be irritating.  I wholeheartedly believe how you respond, handle, deal with the challenges in life is what greatly molds you into the soul you will become and grow into in your later years. 

What is our desire to be known for as we age? A witch on a broom or a person of integrity and grace? 

As we live each day and every step of our journey of life here on earth it's our choice how we respond, that response is who we become.

Don't despise the shadows that are brought into your life, they can be used to produce a masterpiece.

I went to a wedding and came home to this;

a table filled with gifts that were a reminder of a sweet and special anniversary trip. A trip we took early so I could spend our anniversary at the wedding. Moments like these make me realize I possibly could be married to the most romantic man in the world. I am so thankful, our love and passion seem to grow stronger as we age, I do not take these last 26 years for granted at all.

The wedding was lovely, an amazing setting on the most perfect of days, a couple so strikingly beautiful and in love; my heart was so moved for them. I was so thankful they finally met; this bride had waited a long time for someone to love her. Her the little girl she was, the young woman that wondered if she'd ever have what Her soul longed for, the beauty she has become after years of being molded into Her.

There were things, just a couple, that bothered me this day. A bride who should've been gifted a wedding, instead she did it all on her own. The blood, sweat, tears and cash she put into it were evident, it was so perfect and so her, filled with grace, beauty, peace, yet simplicity and with a lot of fun. What a gift pinterest can be, it was a smashing beautiful success!

Secondly the gentleman who married them, he plugged his website, right there during the ceremony. It bothered me even more when I asked the Bride and Groom if he'd okayed it with them ahead of time; nope. Seriously this lacked so much class and "respect",  this instant of two souls committing, vowing, promising is between them and in my opinion a sacred moment. The sacrament of a wedding is serious and deep, a moment when time seems to stop as two hearts become one; website plugging does not belong.

On the other hand, said "preacher" did speak directly to the Bride (rather than referring her to his website...) expressing the importance of her showing respect for her husband. Please can I get an amen! He went on to explain how men are not women and what feeds them, nourishes them, helps them grow, etc. is to be shown respect, true respect.

I loved this so much because I have seen not only how true it is but how utterly important it is in a good marriage relationship. I wanted to reiterate this to the Bride, so I did (o: as she was sitting at our table. Another woman at table said, "yeah I need to get that website, I need that" my response, "no that is for husbands, not for us women", response "I know, I want see it so I can tell my husband, what it says", my final response, "it doesn't work that way."

Yes a man should be loving his wife, but that last thing he needs from his wife is to be told that. The first and last thing he needs from his wife is respect, he is a man. A man who is respected by his wife will soar. There are times every now and then when I verbalize to my husband the respect I have for him, I am blown away at what it means to him and does for him.

I do get that I am married to an amazing man, he is gifted beyond measure, his character and integrity never cease to impress me, the way he treats me and loves me is actually astounding. But there is a part of me that can not help but wonder, just maybe I am this "lucky" partly because of the way I have chosen to view our relationship. We each have responsibilities that are very different from one another, the more I focus on mine rather than his, the more blissful my married life seems to become.

It's what I want more than anything for my own children; other than to know the true Love of the Lord God, it's what I want for these two.

A life realizing that marriage is actually a fantastic gift filled with more than one can ever ask for or imagine, to be enjoyed and celebrated over and over. 

Wives, respect your husbands; in action, word and heart. It'll honor your man and you just might receive some sweet love in return.

James 1:27

There's a sadness within my soul
It's one I wish I didn't know
I'd like to say I don't understand
But truth I know every detail and imagined demand

The fear that grips is filled with pride, guilt and shame
Wishing there were less that knew my name
My head knows what each expects and desires
The gift of giving it blesses and inspires

We look for purpose and search for meaning
Hoping we sail through gleaming
Traveling to far off lands and strangers
Confronted with reality our soul finds anger
We plot, we plan, we give to help our fellow man

When all along within our blood
We see needs that each of us should
They were there before
Just behind the shy closed door

A place where helping is quite hard
No glory or praise as reward
The day is long and the air is sad
Why didn't I see we are all she had

Willing to give my life away
To those unknown because of cause
Dear Lord please help me next time to pause 

In my search of self fulfillment and need to feel whole
Recall truths to me I need to know
Please help me to look not quite so far
For you've shown that glory comes with a scar

My heart became broken, messy and sad
I jumped too soon as an eager lad
Finding truth that lied within
The great assumption is my only sin

Thank you for the widow I can touch
The orphan who needs so very much
The strangers I love and care for too
But I need the life I live to come from You

 James 1:27 KJV
Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.

I went to Colorado

I have had a trip scheduled there for months for an Operation Christmas Child Conference, which ended up being a wonderful time and I grew to love and respect the non profit I am involved in even more than I already did. All I will say on this people; no matter who you are, what you believe, what your resources are... Next November pack at least one SHOEBOX, these small gifts are impacting our world for good, one child at a time. One more gift filled shoebox means one more hurting child (out of billions) touched with a message of love & hope. Remember that one person who said or did something for you as a child that you've never forgot; these shoeboxes not only do the same thing they are going to children in extreme situations therefore the message is heard and felt so much more deeply. Okay, done preaching.

It turned out to be even a sweeter deal since Laura moved to Steamboat in February, it was easy to alter my plans and stay a few days longer and fly up even deeper into the Rockies.

Flying 'up' is something else. The plane goes up & up but then on the descent it is a sharp nose dive down onto the airfield. I was a little taken back but looking out and seeing only mountains around us I realized, we are landing in the mountains.


It's that simple. I have lived on the edge of a mountain range for years (the Cascade) but I found the Rockies differed in the fact that they simply never seemed to end.


To say the Steamboat is beautiful is an understatement. It is a town that is the Mountain and is a true Ski Town. I had the luck of hitting it on the last day before 'Mud Season' began and the 'Mountain' was filled with festivities. We spent the early part of the day being entertained by a Pond Skim and enjoyed watching skiers dressed in wacky outfits attempting to make it across the pond successfully. It was very entertaining and we were delighted to learn in the next days' paper that "Captain Underpants" (a very young boy dressed in his cape & whities) took second place. He was by far the cutest competitor and did quite well on the pond!


We then decided to brave up the gondola in order to get another perspective into this lovely setting.


As you proceed up you fully see that this is a town that sits at the base of a mountain.

Since it was a very spring like day it almost made me wish I was on skies, swishing down the slopes. Which is a bit of a joke because I do live in Bend, OR and have not skied in years! But 70 degree weather and skiing seems like a concept I could not only handle but even enjoy, a lot!


You can even see Laura's apartment from here.


So that down there, that's Steamboat and all that around it; I am pretty sure those are the Rocky Mountains. Can you even imagine being a Wagon Trainer....


I have to get Chatty in here. I love this guy and I miss him. He has lived with me so much and at times I admit I wanted to shoot him (he's a bit insane). He is just so cute and I really love him and would never shoot him. I had so much fun just playing with him and walking him.


Hiking up to the 'Frozen Falls' even more beautiful. Studded with what I thought were maybe Birch and snow still deep, white and fresh along with perfect springlike weather.....




Chatham is not much of a mountain goat but he does try.


We could see that the spring melt was fast approaching, it made for an even more breathtaking setting.


Stefan who is 100% outdoor oriented, I am sure is contemplating, "How can I just spend the rest of my life, right here..."


So this is the falls that we were expecting to find completely frozen like they were the last time Laura had visited. What we found were these windows that the season had opened up. The falls roaring behind the frozen wall in full view. I was awestruck.




It saddened me when I loaded the pictures and saw that they did show the majesty of this snapshot of creation. The top 'window' was at least 30 feet tall if not 50. To say this place is a wonder seems trite, you are lucidly drawn in to sit and absorb.


My girl, who I adore.


Along with the boy & his dog who've drawn her to Colorado.


I missed some great photo oops on this next day. Laura and I decided to do some pretty cheesy\touristy type stuff that I failed to record in photos. Let's just say you've never painted pottery till you've done it with a hippie (who seemed quite stoned) and his kitty crawling all over your.... everything.

Along with lots of fun shopping for Laura for a new outfit or two for her upcoming 21st birthday, we ended our afternoon in the tranquility of natural hot springs.


What a cool place, 7 miles into the mountains, pools arranged off the river and springs so as the temps are controlled from cool, to enjoyable, to bearable, to hot!


You can feel the springs coming up from below here and there and oh man, it's warm! And this is my gorgeous Laura getting her body temp to adjust.


I had to get a shot of this on our way back down, being someone who lives in a modern home and who is married to an amazing designer I have grown to appreciate architecture quite a lot. This my friends is amazingly someone's house (I googled it). Really stunning and huge in an unbelievable setting.


Another shot I had to get; Laura tells me this guy is everywhere as you drive across the country but I've never seen him. I would've loved to get on that saddle and get a shot but I try not to be overly dorky.


She is so so beautiful and her heart is even more so than that amazing smile. My daughters what a blessing they are to my soul and as a mother I could not be more proud.


I will end with this, the foodie that I am. We got a bit obsessed with an Italian restaurant in town and ended our week with yet another meal there. This is my favorite dish on the planet, Spaghetti Bolognese and other than Juri's and mine (who I learned from him) this was the most delicious I have ever had! Yummy.


Thank you Colorado for having sunshine when I was there and being home to my baby girl 'for now', you are not a bad place.